if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
🤣
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.