I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.