You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.