Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
When you don’t understand how floors work
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.