When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.