How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.