I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
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Not messing around
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
these two trucks have the same bed length
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Eat…