Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”