do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??