Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me 2 months after i graduated
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown