Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Well, this is awkward
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
where the womens at?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
The funk soul brother
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!