Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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Wait a minute…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Never be a pizza!
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.