Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”