The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Chicago sounds lovely.