This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Ok who’s got my black socks?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
This bar smells like my childhood.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name