My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.