I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?