“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
live, laugh, laundry.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
💁🏻♂️
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also