If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Oceanography is all about current events
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.