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Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….