me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!