No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop