My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My teenage children choosing violence
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.