I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
No laws when master is gone
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
when you order from DoorDastardly
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen