When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Unexpected Judgment
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
A new level of troll.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge