“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.