me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.