Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees