This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
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Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Home is where your toilet is.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
knights of the ikea table
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..