My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.