Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.