i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”