A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.