I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
so this horse walks into a bar