Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!