Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time