We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.