Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?