Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins