1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.