Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.