Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
the Monday after daylight savings
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS