[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Whisper out to librarians!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
No Google it does not
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.