Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all