chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.