There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Yup
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.