I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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If you know, you know
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
put ‘er there pardner!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!