*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Ghost costume 😂
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?