Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars