I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles